Thursday, August 11, 2011

My demons and me

Just like any other human being, I have my faults and weaknesses. I’d like to call them my personal demons. Sometimes, they are very powerful and impede my growth. And sometimes, I outgrow them and they seem miniscule in the distance.

I always believed these demons of mine were chaotic and meaningless- that they came up sporadically to haunt my life. But recently, I’ve come to realize something very interesting about them. They follow some sort of a pattern!

When I’m bored, uninspired and sad, I get tempted by these demons into wasting my life and wasting my time. I start watching loads of TV and surfing the internet. My appetite multiplies tenfold and I begin napping like a maniac. I get angry very easily and I become restless, sometimes walking back and forth my room, and sometimes even taking 2 hour long walks to kill time. I start skipping school and stop all forms of useful work. 

This hit me really hard at the start of 2011. In fact, I recall I wasted an entire week or two just vacillating over what to do. It was absolute purgatory, so much so that even my mother felt it.

When I finally manage to pull myself out of the hellish state that I described, my demons somehow return to haunt me! This part is really interesting and to explain it fully, I’ll have to go off tangent and tell you a bit more about myself.

I really really love Mathematics and Physics. I think the physical and mathematical worlds are both structurally elegant and I enjoy studying their beauty. In fact, I do a lot of independent research on these subjects and because of that, learn many new and groundbreaking ideas. I rarely post them on this blog because I find it is very tedious to write about them and I don’t really have the leisure of time at the moment.

But anyways, these demons use my love and passion for Mathematics and Physics against me! They use my knowledge and natural scepticism to make me feel that my understanding of the world is useless. They question certain axioms in Mathematics and Physics and in the process, make me feel that the knowledge I so painstakingly built up is obsolete. Many a time, I get pushed back to the hellish state of life that I so painfully made my way out of, and then the whole process repeats and sustains itself.

I’m sure there are other people who have had it worse than me, but yeah, it’s still been a long and hard road. Fortunately, things changed for me just a few weeks back. For one, I came to realize how my demons functioned. That’s the source of inspiration for this post. Secondly, I came to understand that I have to ignore these demons in order to overcome them. That’s precisely what I’ve been doing and I’ve never felt better in my life.

As to what these demons are... I’d like to think of them as bits of negative Karma that I’ve accumulated over time through my misdeeds. In the end, they are still a part of me; I cannot escape from them. In Buddhist thought, this can be understood as the intertwining of good and evil.

I guess the best I can do now is to work around these demons- to ignore them and to become a better human being, both for myself and for all life around me. I mean it’s either that or I accept defeat, and I’m not going to settle with the latter.

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